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My boyfriend says I'm the only girl that he's ever put his hands on, I make him do it
This is my full updated post.. I am new to Reddit and I'm not sure if I posted it correctly the first time!
I'm posting this for advice/support/opinions.
My boyfriend and I started dating about a year and a half ago. We RUSHED into things. Basically he left his girlfriend for me (I'm shitty for being a part in that) and he ended up moving in with me on our first date. She told him not to come home (at the end of our date which lasted all day) she was suspicious and so he went over there, packed his entire truck with most of his things and basically moved in with me.
When our relationship started, I was going through A LOT of emotional pain. My finance, who was the love of my life, suddenly passed away in a horrific car accident. He left for work and I was getting ready for work and hadn't heard from him for a bit. I looked at find my friends and I could see his location staying in the same spot as I kept refreshing. Earlier that morning my mom called me to tell me about a horrible accident near their house, wanting to make sure I was okay. She said it was really bad and she was upset about it, at this point she had no idea who was in the accident. As I was pinging him, it hit me. It was him. It was his route. I ran to my car, only wearing his tshirt that I slept in and drove to the location. I was frantically calling everyone I knew hoping someone could get there before me. My mom's best friend was there when I arrived. Over an hour after he died. That hurt. When I drove up, I could see his car. I knew he was injured but I did not expect to hear the words "if it is the man we believe it is who was driving the car, he is deceased". I felt like I died. It's hard to explain what your body goes through when you find out the man you have loved for so long and planned to love forever is dead. I've never lost anyone close to me so these feelings were indescribable. My world flip flopped, I didn't know who I was anymore.
I had zero desire to be with anyone else, but I do know I was lonely and I missed the stability of having a partner. I have always been this way. I like having someone who I feel close with and who understands me. A guy I went to high school with reached out to me and I at one point had a crush I guess you could call it, maybe even just a curiosity.
As I stated earlier, we moved quickly which I believe was the biggest mistake I made. Over text and phone calls, he seemed like just the guy I needed. Someone supportive. Also to do with the moving quickly, the first week we started dating, my parents and I had a trip planned for Mexico. They wanted me to get away for a bit and spend some time with them. My parents are super chill and suggested I invite him. I did and he came. At first we were really enjoying ourselves. Night 2: the man I had been dating for a week wakes me up in the middle of the night saying "we need to talk" and he's got my phone in his hand. What the fucking even fuck? I sit up, confused and shocked. He wants to know who people are that I had been texting (Going back months, he went through every single text in my phone) I explained that we literally JUST started dating and everything he was seeing had nothing to do with him and was none of his business. I met a lot of people after my fiance died, a lot of guys, genuine relationships, none sexual whatsoever. These were people I met just outside walking my dog, our for drinks, through mutual friends, etc. The most genuine people I have ever met. He wanted them all blocked. These were people that walked my dog for me while I was at work, brought me food, and got me out of the house when I felt like I wanted to crumble. I told him I'm not blocking them, and I didn't. But I might as well have because at this point, all of those relationships were about to be controlled and ended by my boyfriend. This hurt a lot of my friends and it still hurts me to think about how I just stopped talking to the people who supported me the most. He said he couldn't trust me and for the rest of the trip he would be in and out of different moods. Sometimes super fun and nice and other times super jealous and would bring up that he can't trust me. If he would see me on my phone he would flip. I couldn't even take pictures of US without him freaking out. This is a huge red flag that I ignored because I felt like he had a right to feel how he felt.
At the beginning, the abuse was mostly verbal and jealousy. We couldn't do anything fun without it being ruined. One night we went to a concert and it was ruined because my best friend, who was also there, told me to come find her. I went alone because he was refusing to meet them, thinking her husband had a thing for me. He was furious I went and ruined the concert for him. The entire night was shit and we ended up going home upset. This night he also dug his fingernails into my arm while we were aat in our seats as hard as he could. I pulled my arm away from him shocked and asked why he did that and he said ""did what? i didn't do anything.' I walked up, furious and left. He told me that the people around me looked at ME like I was crazy. Ok, cool. He hurt me to where no one could see, then told me I looked crazy.
Live update - he's coming down the stairs which means he's going to flip if he knows I am on my computer this late. Closing out, finish late if that is possible.
Two weeks later.. I'm back. Since this has been so long already, I just wanted to document the rest of what has been going on. I work from home and he is also currently at home and we traded keyboards, so every time we get in a fight, he takes my keyboard. He threatens to turn the internet off. I told him I would just start paying the internet because I'd rather be in control of it and he just goes and pays it and doesn't give me the info. The other day he decided to take my chair and he pulled the chair from behind and threw it to the ground with me in it. I got back up quickly, into the chair for whatever reason and he did it again. Days before this he pushed me and when I got up on my knees, pushed me again and I fell backwards on a spray bottle and landed right on my spine and I could hear it crack. I can't even remember how the most recent one happened, but I showed him a bruise forming on my thigh after another physical altercation and showed him where it was forming and he laughed and said I was being dramatic. Days later he pointed it out himself and asked what happened to my leg. I told him it was from him and he denied it. He says I'm the only girl that has ever made him want to put his hands on someone. Our fights USUALLY stem from me trying to motivate him to do something around the house or have to do with responsibility. It makes him furious and it makes me feel helpless. He doesn't prepare for anything and I never really know what's going on or if he has money. We split bills, but we are still both liable for our full rent of $1500.. I just don't ever know what to expect from him.
I have told my parents and they want me to move back home, but I am 26 and I'm really not wanting to do that. I also have like zero energy or motivation to actually move. I know he's going to make it miserable for me if I leave. I have already accepted that I will lose a lot of things. I honestly don't even care. The biggest thing I am worried about is that he is basically blackmailing me. He will call me names, shove me, corner me, trap me in rooms, take my phone.. and when I finally freak out, he starts video recording me. I will explain why I am upset and he will deny it.. for example... "I didn't call you a cunt, that's the voices in your head because you're schtzo is kicking in."
While I would never judge someone for having a mental illness, we both know that he is wrong.
Another time he ripped all of my clothes out of my dresser and I was basically like.. why are you doing this? and he just kept saying "doing what?"
Another night, I was coming into the bedroom to get my dog after he kicked me out and I heard his gun click back and I was like "hey its me" and he replied "no you're an intruder, I don't feel safe, I will shoot" - he was drunk in this incident and doesn't really drink anymore because of it. But this was sooo scary. He has threatened to kill me many times and said my parents will walk into my dead body. And said "you know I'm going to kill you someday, right?"
What do you think could cause him to behave this way?? PLEASE HELP. I understand I need to leave, but I kind of want to be mentally prepared if that makes sense. I have never been good at breakups and have always gone back to exes in the past. I also love having a companion, but I do not love having the one I have. I am fine with being alone, I have friends that I love spending time with! H e l p!